I keep learning this thing… and then forgetting it… and then remembering it again.

I wonder if you can relate. Doesn’t it seem like in order to get action accomplished that we’d need to be motivated first? And because of that, isn’t it easy to just wait around to do anything until you feel motivated to do it…? Yeah, I know, not very effective in the long run is it? Even though sometimes we do that, I think somewhere within us we know it’s totally backwards – or at least not helpful.

I’ve been helping people with shifting perspectives and making behavior changes for a long time, and I continue learning and using the same things that help my audiences and clients – including this topic. A few years ago I heard this idea spelled out really clearly when I was auditing a weight loss program called Naturally Slim. I was supposed to help decide if we were going to bring it to the group I was working with (which we did – great program).

As I was watching one of the videos, I heard the Founder (Marcia Upson) say something in a way that felt like a great “Aha!” for me. It was about the connection between being motivated and taking actions. She said that when it comes to making positive changes, she often hears people say they just aren’t motivated anymore; they say they only stay motivated for a short time. Sounds familiar, right? But instead of her trying to coerce people back into being motivated – instead of her giving ways to magically hatch more motivation – she was way more pragmatic. She suggested that when we lose our motivation – which happens to everyone, by the way – that we try taking some positive action anyway… and that the process of taking an action can start up the motivation again – brilliant (annoying… in a perfectly effective and empowering way – but brilliant)!

Think about something you’ve wanted to change, start, or complete – weight loss, healing a part of your body, forgiving someone from your past, making more money, interacting more positively with your favorite people, finishing a project, etc.

For me right now it’s growing my business. Do you remember a time – usually when you first began – when you felt really motivated to make the change(s)? How exciting! I love that – when things feel fresh and frisky, and I’m excited and know I can do it!

But then… a few weeks go by (or sometimes only days), and it’s like my motivation dries up. It must because I stop taking positive actions. And when one day of non-action turns into a string of days not taking any positive steps, then it feels overwhelming to begin again… especially if it’s an important project or big goal.

Here’s what I often do at those times – and I think it’s what a lot of us do: we wait for the motivation to come back before we start up our action steps again. Motivation first then action, right? Not so much. The truth is, not only is that completely backwards, it’s also soul squishing. Yes, I mean that this clearly: waiting until motivation comes back upon us can be soul squishing… because the longer we don’t do anything (with our projects or goals or changes) the more unmotivated we feel. Bluck…

This week, let’s turn it back around as Marcia suggested – and as we already know in our hearts is the real way to reach positive outcomes.

On that note, here is your provocation for the week.

Call to mind something you’ve been wanting to make progress with. What change or project or life goal has been calling you? This week, the plan isn’t to light up the whole planet with huge, important, gigantic progress! But neither is it to wait until you are graced with motivation “coming back upon you.” Instead, take one simple action – even a tiny one – toward the change you are wanting. Just one action. Then choose to be happy that you did it.

Choose to be proud of the action you took. Let’s all do that. Then let’s do it again tomorrow – one small conscious action. Then perhaps – after our actions – motivation may light upon us once again. Let’s all do that for just one week and see what happens to our sense of aliveness and motivation! You deserve to be wildly, wonderfully happy!

It’s funny. Or maybe not funny, really.

I’ve been “doing” people most of my life (educator, speaker, consultant, coach, etc.). Because of that, I am well aware that when we’re hurting – we show up in different ways. When we have been hurting, sometimes we look sad; or withdrawn; or disappointed; or scared. But sometimes when we’re hurting… we look mad. And we act mad. And we aren’t very nice.

Now obviously, someone who is feeling sad comes across very differently from someone who is feeling mad. But again… because of my years of life work, I am truly aware that no matter how it is being presented it stems from hurting in some way.

And the reason I said, “It’s funny” is because although I know that fact – it’s still WAY easier for me to be compassionate with someone who is “presenting” with sadness or fear or disappointment than with someone who is “presenting” with anger or aggression. It’s like the meanness, madness, or littleness they are expressing can evoke the same in me… in us.

And there’s something sadly backwards about all of that because… for many people when they are hurting anger, aggression, and hostility are way easier to feel than sadness or fear. Here’s why. Have you ever noticed how much more vulnerable you have to be to let yourself feel sad or scared? You have to be open and soft enough to feel it – that’s scary!

On the other hand, have you ever noticed how much less vulnerable you have to be if you stick with feeling angry? You can stay closed up and hardened. Not so scary. But because both sides stem from us hurting… the truth is we all need quiet compassion in those moments. And the compassion can lead to beautiful shifts.

As an example, Chris and I got in an argument the other day. He thought I was mad at him about something… which I wasn’t. But him thinking that I was evoked defensiveness in him – which looked a lot like madness and felt like meanness – which evoked madness in me (which I’m sure felt like meanness to him). It took a good thirty minutes of misunderstanding each other before things shifted.

I started practicing Compassionate Breathing which I recently learned from a beautiful Mindful Self-Compassion training (I highly recommend it – Dr. Kristen Neff & Dr. Chris Germer). Compassion to myself as I inhale… compassion to Chris on the exhale… and again to me on the inhale… him on the exhale. And I could feel myself softening. And could feel my demeanor change. And then I watched him soften. And his demeanor shifted. And all of a sudden it was us again. Softer, more open, more understanding… compassionate with each other the way we usually are.

On that note, here is your provocation for the week.

Whenever you come across what looks like frustration, anger, meanness, hostility, or aggression – in you or in someone else – understand that it stems from us/them hurting in some way. And decide – even if just as an experiment – to shift to compassion and see what happens within you. It’s a beautiful thing!

I think we “try” too much. Too hard, too often, too much. We even try to relax.

I want us all to try less. And live more. And breathe more. I think young ones and animals do this really well. Instead of “trying,” they’re either doing something fully—with commitment, passion, intensity, and often humor, or they’re not doing—such as basking in a sunny afternoon nap, or sleeping peacefully through the night. Either way, they are doing what they are doing—fully.

When I say I want us to try less it can sound like I’m promoting laziness or irresponsible behaviors. I’m not. One of my favorite things is knowing that every one of us is being called to live a life of great purpose, and that when we do we make beautiful, positive changes for our world. For that to happen we have to have our physical, emotional, and spiritual “tanks” full. We need to have our inner convictions primed and ready for action and non-action.

But when we’re always “trying” so hard, it squishes us up until we feel exhausted on every level. When that happens we don’t have access to what we really need for action: passion, strength, and intensity; nor do we have access to what allows for true non-action: peace, stillness, clarity. And of course, it’s both sides that we need in order to live radiantly as our highest and best. We need the power and strength of fully doing and the relaxation and ease of fully not doing.

“Trying” puts us right in the middle where we don’t have access to either side: the effort needed for meaningful action or the enjoyment of surrender and respite. So this week your provocation is the blessed “Art of Trying Less.”

Try less to get the entire To-Do List finished; try less to be all things to all people; try less to do too much with too little time and energy; try less to cover your own greatness in order for others to be more comfortable around you.

When you feel yourself using an effort that is draining you instead of empowering you, stop for a moment. Imagine that you can breathe slowly in and out through your heart. Do it until any feeling of “trying,” of tightness, pressure, littleness, or tiredness begins to melt away. Then decide from the truest part of you if it is time for full, committed, decisive effort and action; or if it is time for true, happy basking, release, and respite.

Choose one side or the other. Choose simply. Choose without guilt. Choose other than “trying.” I think it was Yoda who said, “Try? There is no try. You either do or you don’t do.” And as you choose consciously, keep remembering how beautiful and good you and your life are, no matter your current circumstances.

This week’s Blurb was excerpted from my book, 52 Weeks of Relief: Uplifting Provocations for Stress Reduction & Self-Care. If you enjoy your email Blurbs please check out my book! I will be honored if you order a copy for yourself and/or a loved one who might benefit from it. You can find it at Amazon or simply click here.

I love the whole giving thing! It’s so important in so many ways. Being a “giving” person is such a kind and loving thing to do for others, and it also does wonders to raise our own happiness and well-being! Cool, huh? Excuse the gigantic generalization here, but if you take the time to read the things I write, and resonate with them a bit, I’m going to assume there’s a good chance you have the “giving” energy down pretty well. And so this week I ask you, “When is the last time you were a graceful receiver?”

I remember something beautiful and important that happened shortly before the pandemic was in full force (and thus, when sharing food wasn’t a risky thing :). I was driving home from work and had stopped at Publix (a local grocery store) to get some stuff to make soup. I had been craving homemade soup, but the boys weren’t home to make it and I had been on the “busyness” wheel and hadn’t made time to do it either. I was later than usual from work, and was already hungry. I remember having that, “I’m tired and over it” kind of feeling but was going to “push on” because delicious homemade soup sounded SO right for the moment!

As I pulled into the parking lot I got a call from a friend of ours. After we talked for a few minutes she said, “Hey, it’s late already and I made soup for our dinner tonight anyway. Just stop by and I’ll give you a container of it so you don’t have to make it tonight.” I started to do the, “Oh no, that’s okay. That’s not why I told you I was heading into the store” thing. But then I stopped… and let myself feel the deliciousness of letting someone be the giver. I let myself feel the beautiful (though sometimes awkward) feeling of being the receiver… of just saying yes to being loved and supported.

Because that’s what happens when we are the receiver, you know – even of something small. When I choose to be a receiver it’s me saying “yes” to being loved and supported. When you choose to be a receiver, it’s you saying “yes” to being loved and supported. How cool is that?! I love that feeling! And think about it, if so many of us love to give – because that feels so awesome for so many of us! – then we are going to need to learn to receive just as gracefully in order for all the energies to balance out and not get all stuck, right?

When someone is trying to be the giver, then realize that they are asking us to be the receiver. I think there are three things we can do when someone “invites” us to receive – whether with a simple compliment, an offer to help, by being a great listener, by holding the door open for us, with a gift of time or money, by being available emotionally…or with a container of soup.

1. We can say no.
2. We can say yes, but feel guilty or embarrassed or awkward or inferior as we receive.
3. We can say yes, remembering that it’s a kind, loving, strong thing to do to be a graceful receiver; and we can say yes, intending to receive with our hearts wide open, feeling the awesome power of gratitude!

Your provocation this week is simply to be a graceful, appreciative receiver whenever the opportunity arises. I bet we’ll all be surprised how often the opportunity arises!

Today, on Inauguration Day, I ask two things of you:

1. Take 2 minutes right now to radiate energies of love, light, healing, and safety across the United States to all the Inauguration ceremonies of today. (Please do it even if you are reading this at a later date; quantum physics says it still works!)

Do it your own way or try this process:

Close your eyes and take a few long, slow breaths… as if you could breathe in and out through your heart or chest area. When you feel your body relax or soften a bit, then imagine a stream of light moving out from your own heart carrying the awesome power of love and light and caring and compassion and healing and well-being. See this stream of light from your heart rolling gently through your own body first… then through your home… through your community… across your state… to all the state capitals… across the whole U.S… and finally imagining it easily spreading across the whole planet.

2. And secondly, hold in your heart those people everywhere who are feeling isolated, frustrated, tired, hopeless, scared, confused, sad, dissatisfied, or mad right now. Those are often the people “behaving badly” (and we have all been “those” people at one time or another, even if in smaller, less hurtful ways). Quietly hold this powerful healing intention for those everywhere who are scared, angry, “behaving badly” or suffering in any way:

May you know peace at the depth of your being.
May you know kindness moving toward you and out from you.
May you be free from pain and suffering.
May you be ever loved and loving.
May you be safe, happy, healthy, and live with ease.

Don’t buy into believing a small action from one person can’t make a difference. It can. We are powerful and loving beyond measure. YOU are powerful and loving beyond measure, and we just shifted things. (Even at a small level we did just shift things! How cool is that?)

You’re allowed to feel better – even when things are the way they are.

Do you notice how sometimes it’s easy to get a really good worry or rumination cycle going? I heard something about worry that resonated with me, so I want to share it with you.

Think of “worry” this way: it’s like the desire or intention to problem-solve (beneficial!) mixed with anxiety (NOT beneficial!). They cancel each other out, which is why ruminating is not effective for producing healthy action. Now, I think we already know that, but sometimes it’s hard to stop ruminating or worrying. This simple and beautiful practice might help, so it’s your provocation for the week.

If you catch yourself ruminating about something (dare I mention the scene at the Capitol last Wednesday?), then replace it with this self-care practice instead. When you first become aware that you are worrying (as always, awareness must be first), look at your phone or watch and actually set your time for 3-5 minutes (you pick). Then, for those minutes, let yourself immerse fully in worry, rumination, planning, fretting, digging around in it in whatever ways you most need or want to. At the end of your allotted time ask yourself these 3 questions, and answer honestly with no self-criticism attached:

1. Do I feel any better?

2. Did I learn anything new about the situation and/or about myself?

3. Am I closer to a solution or to a positive step that feels right for me to take?

If all three of those answers are “no” – and when we’re ruminating they usually are – then use it as a cue to do one of these replacement self-care activities for (at least) the same number of minutes that you let yourself worry/ruminate:

1. Move! Stand up from wherever you are and physically move yourself around: walk to the restroom; YouTube a song you like and dance around to it; do a full body stretch, big yawn, and some shoulder rolls; walk around your house or building one time; anything – just get your body moving for a few minutes. The metaphor is like when a dog gets out of the water: shake it all off!

2. Balanced Breathing: breathe in for 4-5 counts…breathe out for 4-5 counts; keep that rhythm going for your 3-5 minutes. It literally balances your nervous system – how cool it that?

3. Mindfulness Practice: take your 3-5 minutes to watch your breath moving in and out naturally, or scan your awareness through your body (Body Scan) and see what you find (what’s uncomfortable and in what way? what’s comfortable and in what way?)

4. Think of someone who means a lot to your heart (4-leggers count too!): now imagine radiating to them your desire that they feel safe, happy, well, and wonderfully loved!

You’re allowed to feel better – even when things are the way they are. May this practice help you move in that direction!