How to Learn to Love Yourself
At its core, self-love is about showing up for yourself—fully and honestly. The real shift begins the moment you choose to accept yourself exactly as you are. Whether it’s accepting your light and your shadows, or your strengths and weaknesses (because we all have both), give yourself permission to do it with compassion.
Consider it a devotion to living truthfully and treating yourself like someone who matters. (Because you are someone who matters.) Over time, this kind of care builds a foundation of trust within, fostering deep self-respect, which in turn creates the inner security we all crave. Inner security is a foundation for more graceful, Godspeed growth, and is necessary for deeper connections with others.
Steps on how to learn to love yourself
There comes a moment, quiet and often unannounced, when you realize you’re tired of the way you’ve been treating yourself.
Tired of the way you shrink to make others comfortable.
Tired of the critical voice in your head that never lets up.
Tired of feeling like your worth is always on trial.
Somewhere in the middle of that exhaustion, a deep desire gets cultivated within you declaring, “I want to learn how to love myself! Not perform self-love. Not fake it for the world. But really learn tenderly and honestly how to love myself.” If that’s you, here are simple steps you can take to start loving yourself.
- Awareness
Self-love doesn’t begin with bubble baths or spa days. It begins with understanding and honoring yourself. Think about with others you love, you can’t truly love what you haven’t taken time to know.
It’s so easy to move through life on autopilot. We are always rushing, pleasing, or trying to fix everything. But underneath all that noise is a soft voice, waiting to be heard.
Amplify that voice. Start small, just a few times a day, pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” and “Where do I feel it in my body?” You don’t need to solve anything, just name it. That gentle noticing is the beginning of self-awareness, and self-awareness is the foundation of self-love.
Tip: Journaling can help you go even deeper and make your truth more visible. Ask yourself, “What do I keep coming back to? When do I feel most like myself? What does my inner critic say, and what might a kinder voice offer instead?” No judgment, just presence. Because when you begin to see yourself clearly, without turning away, that’s when love begins to bloom.
- Speak gently to yourself
Words have power so remember you’re not lazy, you’re not behind, you’re not broken, but instead you are trying. And trying deserves kindness. Start tuning into your inner dialogue. If your thoughts are harsh, ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I love?” If the answer is no, change your words. Instead of, “I messed up again.” Try saying, “That didn’t go how I wanted, but I’m learning and growing.”
This shift is so powerful because compassion to self doesn’t make you soft, it makes you more powerful and resilient.
- Care for your body
Your body isn’t the enemy. It’s your oldest companion, and the one who will be with you until the end of this (wild and miraculous) life. It has carried you through every heartbreak, every joy, every Monday morning. So, give it what it needs—not as punishment or performance, but as love. That might mean:
Going to bed earlier tonight.
Eating a few more high nutrient foods (or fewer low nutrient foods 😊) today.
Letting your body move in any way for 5, 10, or 20 minutes.
Take a big, long stretch and drink some water before social media scrolling.
Enjoy a long shower or bath to unwind.
Take 3 long, slow breaths before (or after) something stressful or challenging.
And mostly, remember that your beautiful body (whatever it’s current “shape”) is your soul’s personal home.
- Learn to say No
Boundaries are not walls, they are doors. They decide who gets access to your time, energy, and heart. If something drains you, you don’t have to keep saying yes. You can say, “That doesn’t work for me right now.” Or perhaps, “I need time to think before I commit.” Or my personal favorite, that my son, Nik, teases me about, “I’m going to check my inner guidance before I decide.”
You don’t owe everyone access to you. Protecting your inner peace is crucial and one of the greatest acts of deep self-respect.
- Revisit the child inside
There’s a younger version of you who wanted to be seen, chosen, and comforted. One who at times didn’t get the love, safety, or acceptance she needed. Instead of ignoring her/him/them, try writing her a letter. Tell her she did her best. Tell her she never deserved the things she endured. Promise her you’ll be the one to show up now.
Say, “I know it was scary. You were just trying to survive. But I’m here now. I’ll take care of you.” You can also play. Yes, really play: blow bubbles; dance like no one’s watching (or like everyone’s watching if you’re a “happy little dance freak” (says Chris) like me! Color outside the lines (or inside the lines in a real coloring book!). Healing doesn’t always look serious. Sometimes it looks like joy.
Joy isn’t childish. It’s medicine. Yes to that!
- Forgive yourself – again
You’ve made mistakes. We all have. You are not your worst moment. You are not your past choices. As a matter of fact, you don’t have to carry your past mistakes forever. At some point, you must stop punishing yourself for who you were when you didn’t know better. Would you do the same thing today? Probably not. Which means back then, you did what you knew how to do with the awareness and level of consciousness you had at the time. That’s not an excuse; it’s just the reality.
Try this, write a regret on a piece of paper. Read it. Feel it. Then burn it, bury it, or rip it up, and throw it away. Say aloud, “I release what no longer serves me.”
You’re allowed to begin again – every day if you need to.
- Let your real self be seen
There’s no version of you more powerful than the real you. Not the version that tries to be who everyone likes (trust me, I played that role for much of my life!). Not the version that performs, hides, or mimics (yep, I’ve done those too).
Understand one thing… you are not here to be small. So go ahead and wear the clothes you love. Speak the truth, even when your voice shakes. Make art that’s messy. Be weird, bold, soft, sassy, or whatever you really are! (A friend of mine says we can be “spicy” – I love that!)
You weren’t born to blend in. You were born to become. Starting today, stop asking the world for permission to be you. Self-love is not only about acceptance—it’s about celebration. It’s about becoming unapologetically you. (Yes, I know that’s easier said than done – but you are so worth it!)
- Choose your people and environment
You’re not meant to thrive in environments that shrink you. Pay attention to how you feel around people. Do a little community inventory. Who are the people who energize and uplift you? Who drains you? Do they celebrate your wins or try to squish you? Who makes you feel like you can show up as your full, glorious, messy, miraculous self?
Surround yourself with those who remind you of your worth when you forget it. And if you don’t have those people yet – actually, even if you do have those people – be that person to yourself.
Also, protect your digital appetite. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel like you’re not enough. Follow voices that remind you of your enough-ness. Remember, your mental space is sacred.
- Celebrate the messy middle
Self-love is a journey. It doesn’t mean you’re happy all the time. It means you stay with yourself even when things are hard. Even when you seem to be taking one step forward, and two steps sideways, do not falter. Celebrate every tiny act of care, every boundary set, every time you choose self-kindness over self-criticism.
Don’t wait until you “arrive” to be proud of yourself. Loving yourself is not about being perfect. It’s about staying connected to your own humanity.
Tip: Write down three things you did this month that felt brave, kind or healing, even if no one else saw them. Thank your body. Savor the sun on your face. Light a candle just because you made it through the day. You’re not here to be flawless. You’re here to be free.
And when you fall off track – because we all do! – that’s okay. That’s not failure. That’s just life. There will be days when you snap at someone, scroll for hours, or believe you’re not good enough. When that happens, say, “I’m still worthy. I start again.”
In an upcoming blog, I’ll share some of the important benefits of self-love 😊. If you’d like to have something handy to remind you of powerful self-love tenets, here’s free access to a downloadable report I created called The 5 Principles of Self-Love Practice.
Be kind to you. Consistent, patient, imperfect – baby steps.
