There are two bumper stickers I really like. One says, “Visualize whirled peas.” That’s just hilarious. I saw it when I was first learning about consciously creating our experiences through visualization and the Law of Attraction, and it’s a take-off of the “Visualize World Peace” bumper sticker (which I love too!). Another one that I particularly like says, “Mean People Suck,” mostly because it just makes me laugh. And because I like when people are nice. I do. I like when we are kind to one another. Somehow it doesn’t seem like it should be that hard to do. Until I remember times when I have been mean—then it makes more sense.
I never plan to be mean. That would feel awful. As I look back at times when I have been mean I notice two things. The first is that I am normally only mean to the people I am closest to… like family or good friends that I love. How weird and sad is that? The second thing I notice is that I am only “mean” (read “impatient, judgmental, harsh, critical, rigid, condescending,” etc.) when I am feeling out of sorts or simply not happy and well myself. Often, it’s when I am physically tired and feeling “pressed” to do more than I can easily get done. Other times it’s when I am experiencing a deeper level of fear, worry, sadness, or difficulty that I don’t know how to “fix.”
I guess that’s not rocket science, but for me, it was good to remember that we are simply not mean to one another, or abusive in any way, when we ourselves feel at our best—whether that means feeling safe, strong, peaceful, happy, fulfilled, or like our needs are met. In a way, that is another big call for taking our own personal responsibility to engage in stress reduction and self-care. Because when we take good care of ourselves, we are much more able to serve others in positive, empowered, and authentic ways.
But even more than that, it’s a call for compassion. Here is your provocation for the week. Whenever you experience someone being “mean,” take a minute to ask yourself, “What might be going on that could make her or him act like that?” Then actually take the time to make up a story. Perhaps she has a sick elderly dad and is exhausted emotionally and physically because the rest of the family isn’t helping out; maybe he is so far in debt that he has lost all hope of relief and is trying to hide it from his family; perhaps she is worried about her children who are making unhealthy choices in relationships, or using drugs and alcohol to deal with their new responsibilities; maybe he just got in another fight with his spouse or girlfriend; perhaps she lost her job—again; maybe he learned that he has cancer or diabetes; maybe she is running late to work and is scared of being treated badly by the boss or co-workers; maybe he always feels criticized and finally just doesn’t care anymore. The list can go on and on.
And then, if you find someone who seems to be chronically mean, ask yourself, “To turn out like that what might their childhood have looked like? What might their life, in general, have been like up until now?” Of course, we will never really know, but I have found that this exercise helps me soften, both toward others and toward myself, when I practice it. In some ways, we are way stronger than we think we are. But in other ways, we are way more vulnerable and sensitive than we think we “should” be. By attempting to take the high road of compassion and acceptance, even when difficult, I feel sure that we help soften and ease not only others’ difficulties but our own as well. How’s that for a win-win situation?