It’s funny. Or maybe not funny, really.

I’ve been “doing” people most of my life (educator, speaker, consultant, coach, etc.). Because of that, I am well aware that when we’re hurting – we show up in different ways. When we have been hurting, sometimes we look sad; or withdrawn; or disappointed; or scared. But sometimes when we’re hurting… we look mad. And we act mad. And we aren’t very nice.

Now obviously, someone who is feeling sad comes across very differently from someone who is feeling mad. But again… because of my years of life work, I am truly aware that no matter how it is being presented it stems from hurting in some way.

And the reason I said, “It’s funny” is because although I know that fact – it’s still WAY easier for me to be compassionate with someone who is “presenting” with sadness or fear or disappointment than with someone who is “presenting” with anger or aggression. It’s like the meanness, madness, or littleness they are expressing can evoke the same in me… in us.

And there’s something sadly backwards about all of that because… for many people when they are hurting anger, aggression, and hostility are way easier to feel than sadness or fear. Here’s why. Have you ever noticed how much more vulnerable you have to be to let yourself feel sad or scared? You have to be open and soft enough to feel it – that’s scary!

On the other hand, have you ever noticed how much less vulnerable you have to be if you stick with feeling angry? You can stay closed up and hardened. Not so scary. But because both sides stem from us hurting… the truth is we all need quiet compassion in those moments. And the compassion can lead to beautiful shifts.

As an example, Chris and I got in an argument the other day. He thought I was mad at him about something… which I wasn’t. But him thinking that I was evoked defensiveness in him – which looked a lot like madness and felt like meanness – which evoked madness in me (which I’m sure felt like meanness to him). It took a good thirty minutes of misunderstanding each other before things shifted.

I started practicing Compassionate Breathing which I recently learned from a beautiful Mindful Self-Compassion training (I highly recommend it – Dr. Kristen Neff & Dr. Chris Germer). Compassion to myself as I inhale… compassion to Chris on the exhale… and again to me on the inhale… him on the exhale. And I could feel myself softening. And could feel my demeanor change. And then I watched him soften. And his demeanor shifted. And all of a sudden it was us again. Softer, more open, more understanding… compassionate with each other the way we usually are.

On that note, here is your provocation for the week.

Whenever you come across what looks like frustration, anger, meanness, hostility, or aggression – in you or in someone else – understand that it stems from us/them hurting in some way. And decide – even if just as an experiment – to shift to compassion and see what happens within you. It’s a beautiful thing!

I think we “try” too much. Too hard, too often, too much. We even try to relax.

I want us all to try less. And live more. And breathe more. I think young ones and animals do this really well. Instead of “trying,” they’re either doing something fully—with commitment, passion, intensity, and often humor, or they’re not doing—such as basking in a sunny afternoon nap, or sleeping peacefully through the night. Either way, they are doing what they are doing—fully.

When I say I want us to try less it can sound like I’m promoting laziness or irresponsible behaviors. I’m not. One of my favorite things is knowing that every one of us is being called to live a life of great purpose, and that when we do we make beautiful, positive changes for our world. For that to happen we have to have our physical, emotional, and spiritual “tanks” full. We need to have our inner convictions primed and ready for action and non-action.

But when we’re always “trying” so hard, it squishes us up until we feel exhausted on every level. When that happens we don’t have access to what we really need for action: passion, strength, and intensity; nor do we have access to what allows for true non-action: peace, stillness, clarity. And of course, it’s both sides that we need in order to live radiantly as our highest and best. We need the power and strength of fully doing and the relaxation and ease of fully not doing.

“Trying” puts us right in the middle where we don’t have access to either side: the effort needed for meaningful action or the enjoyment of surrender and respite. So this week your provocation is the blessed “Art of Trying Less.”

Try less to get the entire To-Do List finished; try less to be all things to all people; try less to do too much with too little time and energy; try less to cover your own greatness in order for others to be more comfortable around you.

When you feel yourself using an effort that is draining you instead of empowering you, stop for a moment. Imagine that you can breathe slowly in and out through your heart. Do it until any feeling of “trying,” of tightness, pressure, littleness, or tiredness begins to melt away. Then decide from the truest part of you if it is time for full, committed, decisive effort and action; or if it is time for true, happy basking, release, and respite.

Choose one side or the other. Choose simply. Choose without guilt. Choose other than “trying.” I think it was Yoda who said, “Try? There is no try. You either do or you don’t do.” And as you choose consciously, keep remembering how beautiful and good you and your life are, no matter your current circumstances.

This week’s Blurb was excerpted from my book, 52 Weeks of Relief: Uplifting Provocations for Stress Reduction & Self-Care. If you enjoy your email Blurbs please check out my book! I will be honored if you order a copy for yourself and/or a loved one who might benefit from it. You can find it at Amazon or simply click here.

I love the whole giving thing! It’s so important in so many ways. Being a “giving” person is such a kind and loving thing to do for others, and it also does wonders to raise our own happiness and well-being! Cool, huh? Excuse the gigantic generalization here, but if you take the time to read the things I write, and resonate with them a bit, I’m going to assume there’s a good chance you have the “giving” energy down pretty well. And so this week I ask you, “When is the last time you were a graceful receiver?”

I remember something beautiful and important that happened shortly before the pandemic was in full force (and thus, when sharing food wasn’t a risky thing :). I was driving home from work and had stopped at Publix (a local grocery store) to get some stuff to make soup. I had been craving homemade soup, but the boys weren’t home to make it and I had been on the “busyness” wheel and hadn’t made time to do it either. I was later than usual from work, and was already hungry. I remember having that, “I’m tired and over it” kind of feeling but was going to “push on” because delicious homemade soup sounded SO right for the moment!

As I pulled into the parking lot I got a call from a friend of ours. After we talked for a few minutes she said, “Hey, it’s late already and I made soup for our dinner tonight anyway. Just stop by and I’ll give you a container of it so you don’t have to make it tonight.” I started to do the, “Oh no, that’s okay. That’s not why I told you I was heading into the store” thing. But then I stopped… and let myself feel the deliciousness of letting someone be the giver. I let myself feel the beautiful (though sometimes awkward) feeling of being the receiver… of just saying yes to being loved and supported.

Because that’s what happens when we are the receiver, you know – even of something small. When I choose to be a receiver it’s me saying “yes” to being loved and supported. When you choose to be a receiver, it’s you saying “yes” to being loved and supported. How cool is that?! I love that feeling! And think about it, if so many of us love to give – because that feels so awesome for so many of us! – then we are going to need to learn to receive just as gracefully in order for all the energies to balance out and not get all stuck, right?

When someone is trying to be the giver, then realize that they are asking us to be the receiver. I think there are three things we can do when someone “invites” us to receive – whether with a simple compliment, an offer to help, by being a great listener, by holding the door open for us, with a gift of time or money, by being available emotionally…or with a container of soup.

1. We can say no.
2. We can say yes, but feel guilty or embarrassed or awkward or inferior as we receive.
3. We can say yes, remembering that it’s a kind, loving, strong thing to do to be a graceful receiver; and we can say yes, intending to receive with our hearts wide open, feeling the awesome power of gratitude!

Your provocation this week is simply to be a graceful, appreciative receiver whenever the opportunity arises. I bet we’ll all be surprised how often the opportunity arises!